Journal Entry #10
September 19th, 2013
I found sleep hard to reach last night. So hard that I rolled out of bed, stumbled to the kitchen out of frustration, and poured myself a glass of white wine at 2:30 in the morning. Miles slept. I thought of waking him, but I decided to whittle at my haunting thoughts alone for a while.
We had made a promise, Miles and I. To come to each other whenever and however when sorrow enveloped us, and Zach’s memory arose leaving us torn and empty all over again. Miles had work to delve into five days a week though. I had my thoughts to keep me company. It’s hard redirecting my notions about life and the blows that it had bestowed upon me recently when the world moves on without you, but you refuse to step foot in the fast lane.
I wanted to start looking for a job; a new beginning to help support Miles and I, but to also keep me busy. I would never forget my precious Zach, but I realized I deserved to live. Live to remember him like he should be remembered, deserved to be remembered. To do so, I knew that I needed to walk away from the four walls surrounding me that begged to drown me in depression.
Guilt still loomed around me. The guilt of living and loving life when a life that I had created was no longer present, but absent.
I sipped two glasses of wine earlier this morning, finally reaching out to sleep three hours later only to find my dreams encompassing the face of the little boy I knew I’d never touch or feel in my arms again. Just when I think things are looking up, and acceptance has found its way into my heart, the claws of hurt pull it away.
Miles left for work before I ever awoke. When I finally rolled over onto my side, the couch cushions no longer comfortable and sunlight spilling through the slats of our living room blinds, I saw the white rose and the light blue envelope.
The card inside had a black and white image of a couple standing hand in hand, feet in the surf of the ocean, their backs facing us as their faces were warmed by the tropical sun. Inside was a note…so simple, so true, so gratifying I found myself smiling with the gravitating force of hope and irreplaceable love.
Moments. We need them. Sometimes together, and sometimes alone. I missed you this morning, but there was no way I could awaken an angel whose soft snores reminded me that rest is what you need.
Know that I am here. I wrestle with my own demons too. Sometimes my dreams haunt me, and other times they remind me of what I’ve had, what I have, and what is to come. Don’t let life pull you too far away from the shore. Let me be your anchor sometimes. There are more times than I’d like to mention, that you have been mine. Even when words are absent.
See you tonight.
The spirit of Zach lives on. As I picture my husband’s eyes, I see our son. For now, that is more than enough.
Written and owned by Valerie King at http://www.valeriekingbooks.com