Journal Entry #6
September 5th, 2013
Three weeks. I hate this. I hate the way I feel, how I look, and the burden that I carry. This will never get easier. Never.
I spent the better part of today with my best friend Kate. We laughed, carried on and talked about life…the good, the bad and the ugly. Kate is pregnant. Three months along. She’s just beginning to show. That tiny bump; I remember that. The cross between looking bloated and looking pregnant. The time when your hand moves across your belly without even noticing. That’s what motherhood does; changes your motions naturally.
Was it hard being around her? Yes. But it was also helpful to view new life again from another angle. In the eyes of a lifelong friend.
I already know what she’s having. A boy. I can feel it. I told her so. She decided to tread lightly within the subject, but she also offered me a generous gift that I told her she didn’t owe. If she has a son, his middle name will be Zach.
Do you know what that means to this heart of mine? More than I could ever fathom. The life of my son living on through another. The outpouring of love and support as Miles and I tread through unimaginable grief, little things like this only encourage and encompass those words uttered by Nadine at the women’s shelter. “Healing brings hope. And hope helps you heal.”
Kate had handed me hope today. And one day, I would tell her. Today, I wanted to relish it on my own.
After writing this down, maybe “hate” was a strong word to use today. I think I’ll use “hope” instead. I do “hate” this, but I also have “hope” that Zach’s life will forever live on. Healing comes next. I vow to find it.
Written and owned by Valerie King at http://www.valeriekingbooks.com